Dericka Canada Cunningham, GBW Founder
April 18, 2022
This Week's Anchor
“He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay
us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him.”
Psalm 103: 10-11 (NIV)
If only forgiveness flowed as effortlessly as God affords it. Many of us struggle with holding onto resentment and judgment, and while forgiving others can be a challenge, for some, forgiving ourselves can be an even greater struggle. We often go about our lives full of self-criticism. Our self-talk is often negative, and at any moment that we feel we haven’t lived up to our unrealistic and unreasonable expectations of ourselves, we are ready to meet ourselves with the full force of self-judgment. But thank God for giving and being love and reminding us of our worth in moments when we so easily forget.
What a powerful word that our anchor scripture provides this week. We delve back into the songs of David to connect with God’s love as we journey through self-forgiveness. Many of us are familiar with the book of Psalms along with its most popular, humble, and imperfect writer, David. As compelling as our anchor scripture is, the verses that precede set up a heartwarming message as well.
1 Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— 3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, 4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, 5 who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
6 The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: 8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
Thank God that He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve and that He shows grace and compassion towards us “as a father has compassion on his children” (v. 13). This entire text encourages us that God forgives, heals, redeems, satisfies, advocates, and is abounding in love. When we talk about being made in God’s image of love and forgiveness, we often share these sentiments with a priority of others. While it is admirable to care for others, we aren’t fully living out this image of God if we don’t include ourselves in that love. How can we truly embrace God’s love if we don’t believe we are worthy to receive it? When we hold onto resentment and unforgiveness toward ourselves, we are in some way blocking God’s love and all the beautiful benefits that David shares as coming along with it.
I imagine some of you have made it this far in this devotional and are thinking, “yea, yea, yea, I know. I need to treat myself better, but it just seems too hard.” You’re right. Considering the messages that we’ve received from society and important people in our lives, it can be a challenge to treat ourselves with Divine tenderness. So, why is self-forgiveness so hard? I’m going to use the vantage point of my own life experiences, as well as that of which I often hear as a therapist to highlight a non-exhaustive (and certainly incomplete) list of (some) things that can make self-forgiveness a challenge for us—followed by ways we can navigate these barriers.
Some Things that Can Get in the Way of Self-Forgiveness
Anxiety—Although the Bible tells us to not be anxious, I think most of us can agree that anxiety is an ever-present part of our everyday lives. In relation to how we treat ourselves, anxiety and fear can sometimes fuel our unforgiveness. Some of us are terrified of making mistakes. We fear the negative consequences and potential punishment to an extent that can make it feel impossible to let go of berating ourselves with “shoulda, woulda, couldas”. Anxiety can also show up interpersonally. It’s understandable that many of us don’t want to hurt others. So, when we make a mistake or engage in actions that negatively impact others, we can feel overwhelmed with navigating the reality that being human means we will unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) hurt others. I won’t take a psychological deep dive into all our histories, but to illustrate this further, anxiety can also be connected to our childhood experiences. Some of us grew up in a context where high expectations were placed on us, and as a result, we developed anxiousness around achieving, performing, and living up to these expectations.
Perfectionism—At the heart of anxiety and fear is oftentimes a struggle with accepting the reality that we do not have control (e.g., control over the past, over the future, over what happened/happens to us, over every aspect of our lives, over others’ perceptions of us, over others’ feelings). For some of us, we attempt to take back a perceived sense (or more accurately, an illusion) of control by channeling our controlling energy toward ourselves (e.g., “if I can’t control the chaos of my life, I can at least control myself and my actions”). Again, some of us learned this way of navigating our life when we were younger. If we grew up in a context with high expectations or high criticisms, with difficult experiences/relationships, or with many social/contextual challenges and/or barriers, we can feel an urge to prove ourselves (e.g., wanting to be the “good” child; or wanting to be the “different” child/family member, wanting to be the opposite of siblings/parents, wanting to overcome racism/sexism/classism/other -isms).
Shame & Guilt—But the thing about perfectionism is it’s a moving and unattainable target. When we don’t meet our unrealistic expectations of being perfect, we can experience shame, guilt, and many other tough emotions.
Self-Criticism—Shame and guilt pushed to the extreme can lead us to criticize ourselves and the cycle can begin again with us becoming increasingly anxious.
You might have read this list of barriers and seen aspects of yourself and your life. Or maybe you have additional unique experiences that weren’t captured. I encourage us all to open the door to growth and change in this area of our lives by reflecting on our own challenges with self-forgiveness. Regardless of what gets in the way for you, there is hope for your journey.
Some Things that Can Help
Remembering that forgiveness begins with God—When we connect and reconnect with the Word, we are inspired and affirmed by God’s grace, mercy, and forgiveness. By releasing our sins, mistakes, and imperfections to God, we demonstrate our trust in Him to be all-knowing, all-powerful, and perfect. We can be encouraged to trust that He will show up for those whom we can’t, in moments when we can’t, and in places where we can’t because He is God (not us or ourselves).
Embracing that we are human—Welcome to earth, you are human. Repeat that over and over again. We can start simply by finding small ways to allow ourselves to be human and to make room for imperfection (e.g., instead of antagonizing yourself over proofreading that email for the 100th time, send it! Instead of ruminating over that conversation you had with a friend, accept that you can’t control their perceptions of it or you, ask for that deadline extension, request that day off, say “no” to that invitation). We can consistently challenge perfectionism by noticing it when it arises, pausing, and making intentional decisions to pivot our perspective and behaviors; and by learning to set realistic expectations of ourselves.
Learning Distress Tolerance—Not having control is anxiety-provoking. Negatively impacting loved ones is fear-inducing. Disappointing God and others is unsettling. And yet, this is our reality. As we release perfectionism, it will be uncomfortable. The goal isn’t comfort, it’s to learn to sit with the discomfort of being imperfect. Our discomfort and emotions don’t have to bear control over us. They can coexist with us, and we can let them pass through us. It’s no one else’s job to soothe our anxieties—even with support from others, we lean on our foundations in God and empower ourselves through our discomfort and anxiety.
Implementing Self-Compassion, Self-Grace, and Self-Patience—We can invite ourselves to treat ourselves like we treat others. We can show ourselves the same tenderness, kindness, and humility. Mindfulness practice is a great tool for engendering self-compassion. Follow this link for more info on self-compassion practice.
If no one has ever stated it clearly to you before, let me affirm that you are worthy of every bit of grace and forgiveness that God has to offer. Let’s enter this week with open hearts full of love and patience, not only for others but more importantly for ourselves. We deserve this tender part of ourselves just as much as anyone else.
Reflection
What is resonating for you about this scripture and/or this devotion?
What are barriers to self-forgiveness for you?
How can you implement more self-compassion in your everyday life?
What intention(s) do you want to set to connect and/or reconnect with being grounded this week?
Related Scriptures to Ground You Through this Week
Matthew 6:14-15
Romans 8:1
2 Corinthians 5:17-21
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
1 Peter 5:6-7
1 John 1:9
My Through-the-Week Reflection Guide
A Song of Inspiration
Quote of Love & Liberation
“Forgive yourself for not knowing what you
didn't know before you learned it.”
Maya Angelou
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